Madeline crept away from the cot towards
the nursery door, trying to avoid the creakiest floorboards in the
darkness. As she searched for a quiet path she remembered the Ninja
warriors from the terrible video that Grant had rented for them last
week. She wondered, with a wry, sleepy grin, if they had mastered
their skill of moving in complete silence by negotiating rooms full of
11 month old, sleeping, teething babies.
She reached the doorway and stopped in the hall. All was still quiet
and she made off towards the bedroom and Grant. Her husband hadn’t
stirred when Jack started whimpering and would be fast asleep,
oblivious to her absence.
At the bedroom door she demonstrated why she’d never taken up martial
arts. A particularly treacherous part of the floor groaned and cracked
under her carefully placed foot and she froze in mid-stride, holding
her breath. Jack coughed and then started a weary cry to which
Madeline rolled her eyes and let out a puff of exasperation. She gave
up any notion of stealth and plodded back into the nursery. Accustomed
as she had become to the dark, she found her son standing with two
chubby little hands clamped onto the cot-side and a soother lying in
the middle of the floor. Jack’s eyes had also become accustomed to the
gloom and, as soon as he saw his mum, the cries of anguish stopped and
he actually giggled.
“Lie down, darling.” hissed Madeline in as caring and motherly a tone
as she could muster at three thirty in the morning. She retrieved the
dummy from the carpet and gently shoved it into Jack’s mouth in the
middle of a raspberry he was blowing. Then she manhandled her baby
into a horizontal position and tried to lay two cellular blankets over
his kicking legs. To her relief he stayed down but he was awake now
and she knew that any attempt to leave the room would result in sobs
of protest.
She decided to wait until Jack fell asleep and sat on the carpet
beside his cot in a position where he could still see her through the
vertical wooden bars. She began to make the soft ‘sshhhh’ sound that
always seemed to soothe him and, as she did, her mind wandered back to
the bedroom and her sleeping husband.
She thought back to how things were before they got married when it
was just the two of them and their only real responsibility was to
each other, if you could call that responsibility. Grant had been
everything she could have hoped for and more and she knew, weeks into
their relationship, that he was the one. Their reckless passion for
each other had matured into a deep love that Madeline felt as strongly
now as she ever had. Grant had been so caring and open with her. He
would talk to her when she needed reassurance and listen when she
needed to talk things through, he could joke her out of a bad mood and
make her guffaw in public with a one-liner that fitted her sense of
humour like a wetsuit, something she wished she owned every time she
bathed Jack.
Her son was almost motionless now apart from the occasional twitch or
scratch and she thought that his eyes looked closed in the gloom. She
decided to take a risk and stopped the ‘sshhhh-ing’. Through the
resultant peace, she could hear Jack breathing, deeper and more
rythmical now. Hopefuly this was a good sign but she wouldn’t leave
until she was sure he was over. She yawned in silence and suddenly saw
herself, with a clarity found only at moments like this, sitting in
the middle of a room in the middle of the night, too tired to even
stand.
Madeline wondered how this had happened.
She loved Jack, of course, and would never be without him and she
still loved her husband but there were so many things in her life now
that she just hadn’t expected, so much to do, so many demands on her.
When she and Grant used to talk late into the night, getting to know
each other and making plans for their future, Madeline had imagined a
life of bliss and dreamy contentment. Of course, Jack’s arrival had
changed all that and, while she had known there would be changes, the
extent of upheaval had taken her completely by surprise.
Suddenly her whole life seemed to revolve around her son. Leaving the
house was now a military operation and, when they were home, she
seemed to spend most of her time washing clothes. When she put Jack
into his high chair, he preferred to rub food into his hair or throw
it as far away as possible rather than eat it and, as soon as he got
onto the floor, he seemed intent on eating any edible and some
inedible scraps that he came across. Just keeping the house clean had
turned into a battle of wits against this little Tasmanian Devil
turned human vacuum cleaner and, to top it all off, his teeth had
started to wake him up during the night.
There was so little time to do anything these days, including sleep,
but the thing she missed most of all was Grant. They rarely got past
the smalltalk stage anymore, he always seemed so tired from work. She
wished that she could tell him how hard she was finding things and
then maybe he would get up to see to Jack in the middle of the night
or give him his baths or help her with some ironing. But more than any
of that, she longed for his touch, for him to take her into his arms
like he used to. He used to say that they lay in bed like a couple of
spoons; nowadays they were more like a knife and fork.
Madeline lay on her back on the nursery carpet and listened to her
beautiful son’s breathing as she remember her wedding day. It was the
most wonderful day of her life, genuinely perfect. Grant had insisted
on carrying her over the threshold into the bridal suite of the hotel
at the end of the night and she smiled at the memory of his steady
arms around her, keeping her safe as she rested her head on his broad
shoulder and he kissed her softly. That kiss would stay with her
forever despite everything that followed that night as would the sense
of love she felt as he gazed at her and carried her to their bed. She
closed her eyes in the darkness and smiled again.
Grant could just make out the shape of his wife lying on the floor
beside the cot. At first he thought there was something wrong but when
he knelt down and listened to her deep breathing it became clear that
she was asleep. He checked on Jack in the same way, smiling at his
son’s handsome features and then returned his improving sight to
Madeline. He’d forgotten how beautiful she looked when she slept. He
wasn’t sure how long she’d been up but he felt a pang of guilt. She’d
seemed so tired in the past few months and here she was up in the
middle of the night. He knew he needed to do more, to help his wife
with their son but Madeline, being Madeline, didn’t nag him so he
didn’t take the initiative and offer to help. This admission shamed
him.
“I’m sorry, hun.” he whispered. “Things are going to change. I
promise.”
Madeline was dreaming that it was her wedding night again and she was
being carried over the threshold. It was such a real dream. So real
that it wasn’t even a dream. She felt Grant’s arms around her and the
gentle sway as he walked. She opened her her eyes and saw him gazing
at her as he had that night.
“What’s happening?” she asked in a sleepy husk.
“I’m taking you to bed.” whispered Grant.
“What are you doing up?”
“I heard you step on that noisy floorboard a while back.” he grinned.
“When you went back into Jack’s room I couldn’t get back to sleep and
then, when you didn’t come out and everything went quiet, I thought
something was wrong so I came in to check and found both of you fast
asleep.”
“I woke you. I’m sorry.” said Madeline. It was an automatic response.
“No. It’s me who’s sorry. You’re exhausted because I’ve been no help
at all.”
“You’ve been work......” she began.
“No excuses.” he interrupted. “You deserve better than this.”
They reached the bed.
“Things are going to change. I’ll take tomorrow off to give you a rest
and then I’m going to start pulling my weight.” He looked at her for a
long time. “I love you, Madeline.”
Before Madeline could say anything, he kissed her. It was a kiss she
never forgot.
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